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Sunday, January 10, 2010


On certain days, when I'm at work, my personality seems to enter a vacuum and I become capable of nothing but monosyllabic grunts. Sometimes I simply revert to sign language, though owing to my ignorance of this communicative field, I usually end up making some obscene gesture when all I meant to imply was: "take good care now, and look at that beautiful sky up there!"

Let me share with you another language of my own invention. Well, perhaps it's not really a language, more of a sub-language, or sub-narrative, so to speak. It's my own method of clandestine insults, or covert insults. Exhibit A: "Have a good afternoon." Think about it. I'm restricting my good tidings to a very minuscule portion of the day, think of a small cheese wedge or portion of a pie. In essence, I'm saying, "hope your afternoon's great, but may the rest of your day be a raging inferno of pain and misery." This last portion is implied of course and it takes a certain amount of subtlety or sadism to appreciate. You can go too far. Don't say, for instance, "Hope you have a great hour," or "Have a wonderful minute Mam." Such remarks are apt to cause perplexity in the dull, and offense to those with shrewd sensibilities.

"Have a good day," when it is placed alongside that immense cyclical beast we call life, begins to appear both banal and offensive, so even here, you have an opportunity for some well-placed infective if an offense has been done to you. Another way of classifying all of this might be the "colloquial insult," a piece of everyday nonsense with a hidden poison or bomb. So, now that all of you passive-aggressive satirists are armed to the teeth, have a good afternoon....

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